Put yourself in my shoes, walk a mile in them if you like, but have you ever wondered what it would be like to wake up in my world?
With all the recent events that have gone on, on this here little blog and a recent email from a lovely lady who I never thought would read my blog, I decided to write this post. She made me think, how would someone else deal with this?
Think about it.
I wake up. I have to open my own eye lids, they don’t work like they used too.
I force myself out of bed, heavy. I take the long walk to the toilet, taking each step like a methodical action, I can hear myself telling my legs what to do. I feel their resistance however that’s nothing new.
I get to the toilet, I am bursting yet my bladder doesn’t understand. I have to push to start.
I walk into the front room where Hubby and the girls are. I walk past them and make my way back up the stairs. Methodically.
I go back to sleep.
I wake up at 11am. Racked with guilt, I wanted to be up early, I have missed half the day.
I am still tired, exhausted.
I get up and get dressed, I take the trip downstairs even more exhausted from getting dressed, with my body warming up my sight blurs that little bit more. I sit down.
The kids want to play, they want to go out I can’t, or won’t. I have just got dressed that’s enough for now.
We watch TV and have cuddles, Hubby starts the washing up and usual jobs. I watch. More guilt.
After getting some sort of energy back, I take my tablets, 5 of them, down in one.
We decide to stay in, its easier that way. I decide to do some housework, I need to do something, I tidy up, clean the bathroom, put the washing away and clean out the guinea pigs.
I can’t see, I am hot, I get frustrated.
We play for the afternoon, not anything exciting just dolls houses and chase Beboo. My back starts to hurt, I eat a sandwich and my hand starts to shake, I can’t help but concentrate on the fact I can’t stop it. I can’t make my brain stop it.
Injection time (not in the last week) I set up the pen, choose the area and press the button. Its fine. I feel a twinge which turns to a sting which turns into a burn, a painful and relentless burn, I spend 10 minutes hugging a bag of peas.
I spend the rest of the day with the girls. Hubby does tea and baths them, I give Beboo a bottle and finally its bedtime. Relief, I get to rest. Arms aching and heavy.
I look out the window and wonder. Why am I here? How did I get here?
I watch the soaps, take three more tablets and go to bed. Knowing I get to do it all again tomorrow.
That is a good day, some days I am consumed by depression, some days I have energy, some days I just want to laugh and the rest of the time I spend writing, crying or organising the family.
Each day is different but never easy. Each day the realisation that this is forever hits me again, like its new information.
What would you do if you woke up in my world?