Some days I really do feel like I am a stranger in my own life. Right now, the tiredness is overwhelming.
Explaining to someone who doesn’t have MS and is lucky enough to not suffer with chronic fatigue, is hard. Impossible almost. But I find it the worst part of the illness, its not an ‘oh I’m tired’ kind of thing, its a painful and relentless annoyance.
I wake up feeling like I have not slept a wink, some nights I don’t. My spine will decide tonight is the night in which it will hurt, regardless of how many pills are popped before bed. No amount of pillow smushing or leg bending will help me find a comfortable position.
I drift in and out all night, having one of those nights where you feel as though you have seen every hour. Each hour bringing a different emotion and filling up with tears on more than one occasion.
You do however have some sleep, whether you think you have or not, you did.
Each morning I lie-in. Most parents would dream of this, however its not something I have chosen, its something that has chosen me. I miss things I want to do, morning snuggles and the school run.
But I need the rest.
Still, even with all that, I spend all day hurting to go back to sleep. I can sit on the sofa in a snuggly ball and quiet happily nod off for a few seconds, its bliss.
I know its a part of life now, but it is so debilitating. Explaining to someone who doesn’t get it that you are tired is stupid. Its not just tired though, its painful, restless, relentless and overwhelming and it affects every part of my life. From walking up the stairs to folding washing.
It is so frustrating to always feel and look like you could do with more sleep.
But sleep is the only place where people like me can forget. Forget the pain, the worries and who we really are. When I am asleep I am comfortable, I am normal.