I have been keeping a few things inside, mainly because I don’t really know how to deal with them effectively.
I am really struggling inside. Confusion and lost words seem to keep me in silence. Deadlocked in nothing.
Ever since I have started my treatment, I haven’t been able to write, well not like I used to anyway. I used to be able to fill my post with emotion and honesty, something I always prided myself on.
Now I am lost.
Now my brain has nothing to say. Its heavy and when I try to recall a memory, feeling, emotion or event I have nothing. I can’t remember what I wanted to say. And when I can, I just cannot find the words to say it.
I loose myself in mid conversation.
I feel like part of my brain has been cut off, the thinking part. The part that has something to say, something with substance.
I feel well, I even look well. But my brain is not the same. I feel different, lost and at a loose end.
I don’t really feel anything there anymore.
Its like all I have is the ability to function, to get by.
I don’t like it.
I hate it. Its overpowering me and my emotions. My thoughts and the stories in my head, sometimes finding the next word can be hard.
It’s okay when I’m home. They understand the silence, but more recently it has happened when I was out with strangers, and it leaves me feeling sad, embarrassed and extremely flustered.
I have no idea what to do.