I often wonder if I am alone in the whole questioning myself and why I was dealt this hand, my confusion and sadness has turned into an empty anger, so hard to understand, even for me.
I look in the mirror and wonder why, why I am still here looking back at myself and what the hell is keeping me going?
Some might say all I need is my children, they should be enough and don’t get me wrong, they are my world. However they cannot make this stop, no matter how many smiles and cuddles I get. I also feel like a huge burden on them.
Right now I can happily live off my five day treatment, sitting and waiting for that massive low.
Although some people tell me I ‘inspire’ them, I really do not feel that way. I have become the person who makes the crude jokes, the one who does not think twice about what she is about to say and someone who finds herself caring less and less each day.
Normal people talk about children and lack of sleep, I find myself leaning towards the people who talk about lumbar punctures and the loneliness of it all. People who understand even just a tiny bit how I feel.
A place where the phrase ” I’m tired” is not a pathetic excuse. Its real and its debilitating.
I guess it gets me most when I have just done the housework, or attempted one third of it and I am exhausted. I have to rest, however my refusal to nap is becoming somewhat of a problem.
I hate sleeping the day away.
Sorry for the empty rant.