I tend to find myself looking in the mirror and wondering if its all real. Its so odd because I just don’t look sick. Granted I look tired and the bags under my eyes are slowly turning into black bin bags but still, I don’t look sick.
People tend to forget hidden illnesses are equally as hard to grasp for the person who has it, as well as the passer by who simply doesn’t know better.
I find myself sitting and wondering whats going on in my head, I have been keeping myself busy because I know too much thinking can be bad, because thinking leads to wondering and wondering leads to all kinds of crazy shit!
I guess recently I have been feeling a little low, I have so much to do, and I just cannot find the want to do it. But, at the same time I do want to do it?! Nah, I don’t get it either.
I find it hard to express the way because “I’m tired” doesn’t cut it, but it seems to be my answer of choice. I guess no one really wants to hear that I have chronic fatigue and today, it hurts like hell.
Hey, I even tried to push myself this week, it was for personal gain as well as the family. I figured maybe I need to do more? Turns out doing more just makes things worse, it pushes you to that wall, the one you cannot go over ,under or through, so you just sit there sobbing and smelling like an old bag of potatoes.
And lets face it, that’s not fun for anyone.
Its hard some days, not having someone who really understands. People try and I appreciate it, but some days you just want someone who feels that pain, who has hips and a bladder like yours, who understands MS and feels it too.
Some days you just feel so ‘meh’ like nothing is worth moving for, you just feel so empty.
I like to immerse myself into the girls, TV or the online world, so for a second I can take a step back from who I am and feel nothing for a while, but it is more of a something nothing as apposed to an empty nothing.
For me, by far the hardest part right now is looking in the mirror and feeling like a complete stranger. One who is not alone behind those eyes anymore, but at the same time, you just cannot see it.