I have been happy, relaxed, although with horrendous brain fog, I have been okay.
But today I went for my yearly MRI scan, and it hit me. I still have MS and it is still never going away.
I wasn’t in the horridly narrow and horrendously noisy scanner to see if I was free of this, to get the all clear, I was in there to see what had been going on in my brain this year, just like I will every other year.
The scanner runs through different programmes to agitate different parts of the brain, to capture different angles. Its the last one I can’t stand. The silent then blast, silent then blast crashing away in my ears, the cage round my face and all I cant think is “this is me” I was lucky enough to have Hubby holding my legs, but even with him there, I still felt so alone.
It’s moments like this that remind you what you’re facing. All those worries in the early days rush back and suddenly my head is now filled with moving thoughts, none of which are nice or comforting, they just made me more desperate to get out.
I think the whole scan procedure is by far the worst thing people with MS have to medically undergo every 12 months. Give me a lumbar puncture any day compared to that.
Its simply horrid.
Lonely and far too thought provoking for me.
The last thing I need is to be ‘alone with my thoughts’
I already know this is here to stay, I don’t need to be sharply reminded of it every 12 months.