So Friday is coming, I hear, and I am planning on going to britmums live, a massive blogging conference in London.
I have my tickets and spare pants. That is all I need right?
Truth is, I feel hideous and so nervous. I am literally crapping myself, okay not literally, well, maybe.
I will finally meet some of the people I have been talking to, people who have been so lovely online, I really hope no-one there is planning on being a mass murderer, that would be such a cliche.
I will get to meet some amazing brands, some of which I have been talking to on twitter, so it will be nice to put faces to names on all sides.
I am also really looking forward to the sessions, there are so many to choose from, I intend to go armed with my list, however I feel I will probably end up wherever the coffee and cake take me.
I will be wearing a really noticeable t-shirt, so there really is no excuse for missing me, just remember I cannot see you too well, especially when I get hot, nervous and sweaty, which is a lot.
I would like to say a special thank you to the organisers of Britmums, who have helped so much and made it possible for me to go, I will be with my Husband, however he is so lovely so please don’t be scared to come and say hello!!
I would also like to say thank you and to re-introduce my sponsors Jackson Reece, they do some amazing Kinder By Nature baby wipes, amazing on the skin, 100% biodegradable and even some for snotty noses!!! They are a true British company who have put alot of love and hard work into creating a fantastic product, Thank you!!!!
Well, I guess I’ll see you there?!
I don’t really have many words as to how I feel. In-fact I have really pushed myself to even consider writing. I feel lost, drained and have a complete lack of feeling for anything.
I hate staying in bed, but then I am so very tired?
It really is like a catch 22 thing.
Last night was horrendous, I had hallucinations and could not switch them off. I had a mind full of junk and no idea how to handle it all.
I have so many different drugs coursing through my veins, the painkillers, I tried to stop taking, but it still hurts way too much to do it alone.
Its a feeling I have had before, but it is still very real. The lack of anything and the feeling like the whole world is running away without you is simply terrifying. Like your being left behind, unable to keep up, let alone catch up.
I just want to feel better, to be able to hug the girls without having tired arms, to make my own drink instead of having to ask.
I can’t even go for a piss without a struggle. My brain is screaming for a PEE but my bladder is simply not listening, the amount of time I have spent trying to have a piss this weekend is really quite laughable.
Who knew peeing would need so much concentration?
I am trying to keep myself from napping, partly because I am scared I will once again see things that aren’t there AND partly so I have a fighting chance of a real nights sleep.
Heck, I will probably give myself a drug induced sleep tonight, might stop the incessant shaking.
Anyhow, this whole typing thing is making me tired, so I must retreat back under my blanket, for now.
So no video, my battery ran out and I really cannot be arsed to wait for it to charge tonight! I have one day on steroids and I feel so low, like I am standing on the edge ready to jump.
If I hear ‘its because you are on steroids’ or ‘you will be fine’ OR EVEN ‘are you okay?’ one more time I think I will scream. I am aware of why I am here and I am aware I will someday not be like this, but right now, its painful and I ache and I really cannot be bothered to reply to every text message.
I have no fuse left, every niggle just sends me off, my ears ringing and the relentless sound of the children needing me every five minutes when all I really want is to be on my own, for someone to take this all away.
Selfish? Probably, but right now I need to concentrate on me. I feel like I am going mad inside!
Everytime I aim for something more this stupid disease just comes along and knocks me down again. Which in turn puts me off everything else, like I just cannot be bothered. Like every time I want more I simply cannot have it.
I hate it and I hate the way I feel.
Every noise cuts me like a knife and all I want is to cry and be on my own.
Thats all today.
So I have decided to video this relapse and steroid treatment, its my first lot of vlogs so be nice and please share, also I know I have two chins, I am curled up on the sofa!!!
So today is my turn to host the #S2S2D blog hop, a hop designed to bring a smile to the lovely Emma who blogs at Crazy with twins . The lovely Emma has undergone some nasty radiotherapy after having surgery for her cancer. This left Emma incredibly radioactive, meaning she was kept in isolation and away from her family.
She faced a really long time in isolation, even when home she would have been unable to hold her young children, unable to give them a much needed squeeze due to the amount of radiation she emitted. However this woman ridded her body MEGA quicky from this hideous treatment, meaning she was able to give the girls a cuddle way before she planned.
A mega proud moment.
For now Emma can rest and this hop is designed to bring a smile to her face and her lovely family.
Let me start by saying how amazing Emma is, not just fr this reason but because she is an amazing wife, mother and friend and has always been there to listen to my constant complaining!
For the amazing Emma, today I have a picture Pop’s drew of me, I thought it would make her smile due to the fact she has drawn me with a beard! Yes, I kid you not!
See beard AND belly button, what more could you need?!
I hope it brings a smile to your face chicky!!!
Please join in and link up with the #S2S2D hop and cheer this lovely family up
Some days I do wonder, I wonder if this whole MS thing is really happening, when I smile or laugh it really does make you wonder. But then comes the reality, days, weeks like this. When one man can determine what happens next and its up to me to make the impossible-ness of this all work.
Its not the relapse as such, its not to severe, loss of sensation and co-ordination is a whole lot better than sight or speech, its something I didn’t even notice really. Not as harshly as the others.
The reason why I have been fighting those stupid tears today is because the next few weeks will be hard and it has come at the worst time. I am planning to attend Britmums in just under two weeks, I will meet people, eat cake and forget for a while. However now that I have the tablet treatment to deal with, I don’t know whether I will go upbeat with support, or in pain in a wheelchair.
Needless to say, I am going. Whether I am the life and soul or have no life and soul will be another thing.
Just another stupid part of this stupid disease I have to face.
I wonder whether I should rest? Or should I push on through the pain?
On the days when I want to curl up and cry, do I get up and smile?
So for my readers, expect alot of sad posts, something I was not planning. But this is my space to vent and this is my pain I have to deal with.
Its times like this when all I want is to get it over with, take too many painkillers and watch a shit load of TV.
Yeh, you may sit there and judge me, but until you do this, you have no idea.
SO, feel free to make me laugh, right now I need help to get me through this. To get me to where I choose to be, not where I have to be.
Today took me to the Neurologist, we needed to chat about the best path however after telling him about my tired limbs, he poked me with needles and did this thing with my fingertips and it turns out, I am relapsing, something I have done loads before however this time, I have no idea HOW to handle it.
I want to push on, be strong and do whatever the hell I want, but I know I can’t, I know I will get knocked out for a few, I know if they cannot cannulate I will need the tablets, which puts me out for a week.
I have too much to do to need this right now.
Its stuff I want to do, not things I don’t, now I have no choice but to call time and stop for a while.
I am so mad at myself and my body, so much so i really just do not know what the hell to do next. Do I rest? Why is it always me who has to rest?
Why can’t it be some other bloody person for a change?
I really dislike the fact I am here again, I had so much planned. I am really going to try and get through this as quickly as possible.
I am going to drink as much water as I can to inflate my veins and wrap up to become that sweaty mess, maybe then they will find a good vein, that will last three days.
I need to find some sort of strength to pull me through this……..
Some people might read my blog and wonder why I hate having choices , why I don’t just go with the ‘best’ or what they tell me to, not that they ever say “DO THIS” because they don’t, they tell me it’s my choice, that it is up to me.
Some might say I should take one and do it, because I have to think of my children. But really, thinking of my children is what I do day in and day out. Why don’t I want the new top treatment? Because of the fact no-one knows what happens in the future, the shelf life or side effects. The future is where I am aiming to be, it is where my children will emotionally need me the most.
I don’t want to be the Mum who grew an elephants trunk because she took that risk. (That is for you Meg)
So to the people who read this and think ‘selfish’ need to read back and think again.
If I had MS before having my children, I am not sure I would of had children, heck I am not even sure I would even still be here. But I am and that is for them, I want to make the best choice for them, because if it was just me there would be no choices.
Being an MS’er as they call them is still very new to me. It is still really raw and not something I feel comfortable with. I admire people who are okay but I am not sure I will ever be the happy go lucky, dealt that hand kind of person,
It’s not in my nature. I am stubborn like my Grandmother. (That’s for my sister )
I am dealing with it in my own way, taking my time and learning as I go. Fighting with my body every single friggin day, all with a smile on my face and a crude joke on the end of my tongue.
Usually because if I am not smiling, least I can make someone else smile!
No I don’t find it easy and I certainly don’t find it easy to explain to someone. MS is hidden and so are many of my symptoms, but that does not make them any less real. Just more difficult to fight and almost impossible to explain.
I would find it much easier to be falling over all the time, least then people would know my body doesn’t work properly!
So please never assume these choices are selfish, because that could not be further from the truth!