Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder, what’s going on in there? What it is that is happening behind my eyes?
I look at myself and see the same person I always did. Yes a little fatter and with much darker circles around my eyes but I am still there, starring back at me. I cannot see anything wrong with me, so I am not surprised if other people don’t either.
I often stare and wonder, did they make a mistake? I am making it all up in my mind? I cannot be this person I so often see written down on paper, surely?
Is it denial?
Or is it guilt?
Maybe even a dream? No?
If it is denial, it could explain some things, although I don’t think its ever going to sit well with me, I still sometimes find it hard to work it all out.
If its guilt then maybe I would get it, I put pressure on everyone around me to do more than they normally do, I tire easily and I don’t always have the patience of a saint. Sometimes I wish I could be alone for an hour, to think, think with a clear head.
Sometimes I ask Hubby is this is really happening to me, he doesn’t understand why and I really cannot blame him, it drives me mad too.
I know its real, but then I don’t and sometimes I block it out all together.
Why am I so weird and how did this become normal?
I would love to know what is going on behind my eyes.
So any regular reader, or real life person will know that the days Hubby works, my sister looks after me and the girls, I know, madness.
Since having the girls I have come to realise just how important family really is. If you would have asked me six or so years ago, I would have given you some stupid “I don’t care” response. Truth is, I wouldn’t be where I am today without them and really could not imagine my life without them.
Especially my Sister.
Growing up we were the typical Sister types, arguing and hating on each other on a regular basis, I could and will use the excuse she was married to a real tool, however regardless of said tool, we probably would have fought just as much.
However he really did not help, ever.
Now we spend most days together, we do everything together and she has become my best friend, I literally tell her everything, I probably over share way too much.
I won’t lie, its hard to have to share the parenting, but I know I need to otherwise I would not be giving the Girl’s what they both deserve. The last year has been hard on everyone, no-one more than myself. But having my Sister there to wipe my tears and listen to me ramble has given me more strength than I could have hoped for.
I’m really not sure I would have still been here without that added support.
I wanted to use this post to thank her, for everything she does and remind her just how special she really is, I know she doubts herself way too much, but she has no need.
I would hate to be without my family, the only people to be there no matter what I say or do and I do some stupid things.
I love you all so very much and I am so so sorry to have brought this disease into your lives too.
Everyone needs a Sister like mine x
There truly is nothing interesting to see here, I have been a little wordless, perhaps because my mind has been a mess of nothing, or maybe I’m just lazy? Probably a little bit of both really.
I think of something I want to say or do, then seconds later its forgotten, almost like it never existed in the first place, it is really driving me mad. For the normal person its easy, they get that thought trail back, the words suddenly start flowing, however with people like me, its not always the case.
The blankness is tiring and so is general life these days. Today was pretty normal, but now I ache all over, like I ran a marathon or something equally as insane.
Truth is I did nothing but normal and even that has made me feel like poo.
Every limb aches and my eyes are burning, telling me I need to go to bed. Its like half six, why the hell should I go to bed?! Proof again that I am no longer the dictator of my own body.
It must really suck being married to me, right?
One thing I will say is, the people commenting and tweeting about how I can be healed and how formula feeding can cause MS, can simply shut the hell up. If you truly believe someone can fix you by touching you with a shiny rock or daft dance then you really do need help.
Anyone with an understanding of this thing knows that quiet is not always good and often the effects are going on inside, silently destroying the pathways. An MRI will prove this to you. So please don’t be fooled.
Also, I don’t care what article you read, formula does not cause MS, I was breastfed for a start and if it was that dangerous, if would not be available. Stop trying to bring non breastfeeding Mothers down, we all have reasons and choices, so stop!
Ergh, I think I do need to go to bed or watch the soaps, I think I shall choose the latter.
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So packed lunches are a big thing is this house, from the husband to Pops, we are always having to think of something new to put in there, whilst keeping it healthy at the same time.
So we ventured off to our local Morrisons to find some Flora for our sandwiches and some other healthy treats!
Morrisons has to be one of my favourite places to shop for food!
So we went off looking for something different to use in Pop’s lunch box and I was armed with some ideas from the Flora website. Walking round we were greeted with loads of new ideas, I usually go for the old apple however we saw some pots of grapes, melon and mango so we decided that it would make a nice change.
AS well as fruit I do like to include a treat in her lunch box, from maryland cookies to choccy fingers, something small but still important. I did consider crisps however we saw a nut and raisin mixture, which I thought would make a perfect and healthy change.
We have decided to try using Flora instead of the usual butters. Its much better for us ad as butter seems to go on everything these days, I felt it was important to make the change.
They even have a new range call Flora Buttery and I know for a fact no-one will be able to tell the difference here!
Fillings are always a pain, however right now Pops is going through a ham phase, whatever she has needs to have something ‘ham’ about it, so I know if I give her something that is not ham, it will come back.
Oh to be four!
We she finally snaps out of the ham phase, I am hoping to use some of the great filling ideas they have on the Flora site, that and using different rolls and bread types, means I will have loads of ideas.
Here is the final lunch box:
We have a ham roll, with Flora buttery topped with cooked cheese. A little selection of grapes and melon, some cookies as a treat and a little pot with peanuts and raisins.
Its all about keeping them healthy
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So with having two girls the Husband has had to learn to find his inner woman and I fear he may be a little to much attuned!
I mean take the other morning for example, I timed how long it took to do my hair and it took me approx 3 minutes, yes I know…
How do I do it?!
Well, it helps only having hair on a quarter of my head….
Anywhooooo, he then went to do his hair, I looked and I waited. I waited a whole 15 minutes before he was done?! 15 minutes to do less hair than I have?
I blame this whole having two girls thing, he is currently learning to do ponytails and one day, I hope to eventually teach him how to plat, however that is still a long way off…..
I fear that the fact he is getting the hang of having no bumps in a ponytail, means his hair should be equally as pretty?!
The next stage is matching clothes, I am sick of seeing dresses over jumpers and jeans!!!!!!!
Although I did okay socks and sandals the other day, due to the fact we were already running late, he even commented on the fact she was wearing socks and sandals.
He’ll be bloody crying at the news next.
Has your Husband managed to channel his inner woman?!
So last night, after my rant, me and Hubby had a night to ourselves. A chance to do something just for us and what did we end up doing? Well, mostly sitting in the quiet because quiet is nice, real nice.
I will be honest, we did have a film planned however I went and ruined it, as usual.
I stood up, went to walk to the toilet, and fell. My leg went from beneath me. It literally felt like it simply was not there. What did I do? Well, I cried. Yup I burst into tears through anger, because I have gone so long without falling and also because I could feel my legs simply were not playing ball.
Ergh, it just makes me resent the whole disease that much more.
Anyway tomorrow I am going to the baby show, except I am only allowed to go if I use my mobility scooter, which has yet to undergo the pimping I have planned.
I just don’t want people starring and laughing and doing the whole wondering why thing, I would wear my vulgar hoodie which explains, but I have planned a nicer outfit.
Damn you fashion!
Anyway I have got over the fall, but I am still mad at this bitch of a disease. I am hoping tomorrow will cheer me up, god knows I need cheering up!
I had another idea for a post tonight, however if I don’t write down what is on my mind right now, I think I might just break down.
I vowed never to write about this subject on here again, because to be honest, it bores me to tears, but I think it has something to do with what is holding me back, so lets just go with it….
In simple terms, another blogger who seems to love writing hideously untrue things about me, is probably going to attend an event I am also attending this weekend, just the thought of the vicious and hateful things that will spew out of those fingers should she clap eyes on me are enough to put me off going.
But why? Why should I sit at home, I keep saying you make your own destiny, but why don’t I believe this?
Recently I made the top 10 most engaged women on Linkedin, it was sent to the press and my local paper picked it up and mentioned it in a follow up phone call to my skydive, I didn’t think anything of it, then it went into the paper a few weeks later. I didn’t even know until someone facebooked me. Then I was accused of calling the local paper to tell them I had lots of friend on linkedin?! Really??!!!
That is not what happened.
I am sick to death of all this petty crap, I have moved on, I am trying to find my way with this hideous disease, this childish behaviour is really not what I need.
Anyway I was contacted by another local paper, again, they contacted me. Another chance to raise awareness, to get MS out there and I am frightened to do it because I do not need all the stupid and demeaning comments.
Why should I turn it down?! Why should I not go to this event?!
Why can’t I be left alone?!
Another thing, I lied to my MS nurse, the one person I always open up to and I lied, why?!
I know why, its because it was about my injections, I was too scared to tell the truth.
Right now I feel so down, so lost, so confused and so very scared to go for what I want and I just cannot shake what is holding me back.
So, if you are anything like me you will often sit and wonder what it is they are thinking about.
Is it me or maybe the girls?
Could it be the washing up or thinking about who’s bed is meant to be changed this week?
Is it what we are going to have for tea tomorrow?!
Is it the fart they just did?
Or maybe the computer game they are wishing they had?
Its more than likely to be none of those things OR a mixture of computers, boobs and farts. Because lets face it, the first few ideas are really very far fetched!
The fact that he is currently sat watching Charlie and Lola and giggling away says it all really.
Don’t get me wrong, my husband is one of the good ones, he is caring and all that jazz, but sometimes I just wonder what it is these men think about on a daily basis, as no matter how many times you tell them or ask them, they never remember.
I often find myself asking him the question “are you listening?” before I start talking now, I feel like some evil old bitch but if I don’t, he won’t bloody listen.
In the past I have often given him a job to, you know, keep his mind alive and all that only to receive a response and then 10 minutes later come back to find him still on twitter and the job still there for me to do?!
You could call him generous in that respect, but I simply don’t see it!
There are times when I find myself in a right pickle, do I remind him where we are going (in the car) only to be given a telling off because “HE KNOWS” where we are going, or do I wait for him to go the wrong way first?
Its a loose loose situation I tell you!
So I think for now, the mind of a man should stay a firm secret, as I feel it would give me nightmares to see the contents sprawled out everywhere like his many, many, many wires.
Sleep, its something we all love and it is also something most parents need to live without. Well this might not be the case for much longer, see at the Baby Show In Birmingham on the 17th, Jo Tantum is launching her new ‘Sleep Angels’ team.
Yup, the lovely Jo has helped many parents across the UK teach their children the art of sleep, lets face it, its one of our biggest hurdles to overcome. So the fact Jo will be hand picking qualified people to under go some intensive training, to join the army of Sleep Angels to come and help us sleep-deprived parents is amazing!
Jo says, ‘It’s always a difficult decision when your business has grown too big for you to do everything, especially as it is so personal. I have spent the last two years perfecting the training programme and going through everything with a fine tooth comb. I’m sharing ALL my secrets with my Angels, personally training them to be the best they can be, and I will be with them every step of the way.’
I have to say, I am a firm believer in routine and I think this programme will be an amazing help for parents across the country to learn the art of a good sleep routine.
After training, the Sleep Angels will be sent out to homes of the sleepy, where they will put in place everything they have learnt. What’s more Jo will also be linked through a video monitor so she will always be no hand to observe and offer support.
Jo says, ‘After I had been Maternity Nursing for ten years I found there was no-where else to go. I was used to being in someone else’s home, the nights, the long hours, and the grateful look on parents faces when their baby is fast asleep. I wanted to make a difference and I realised that sleep is the one thing that is so important, right from the start, for baby and parents.’
So if you are heading to Birmingham’s Baby Show between the 17th-19th of May, look out for the Sleep Angels stand. Also if you would like more info, or even to become a Sleep Angel, head over to the website.
So I know this is a controversial topic and I know everyone has different views but this is my blog so I will give my view.
With people appealing to the government for the right to die, its a huge topic in the press right now and I have to say, its something that I feel really strongly about.
I have a friend called Kerry, she has MS too, she is older than me and her MS is alot further along than mine, she is someone I have met very few times however she is also someone who understands just how I feel.
She said something to me the first time I met her which will never leave me. This was, that one day we may be unable to walk, lift or even talk, we may be seen as ‘useless’ however our minds will still be in full thinking order, so essentially we would be trapped inside our own bodies.
I believe for people who have lived life with a severe disability, however they are still of sound mind, should be able to choose whether or not to carry on.
The people behind the decision making have no idea just what these people have gone though, the pain and the loss, always having to find other ways to do things most people take for granted. How can they really make a choice for someone else when they simply have no clue?!
I know if I ever reach the point where I cannot move, speak or simply do anything myself, I would want to end it. Not because I am selfish but because I would not want to live in a body where I could not even express myself, to not be able to have a conversation with my children and simply just sit waiting to die, starring into space and offering nothing to the world.
I would simply feel like a burden, like I was being kept alive to simply waste away.
Now I am not stupid, although I do believe certain people should be given the right to die, I also believe that the journey to that choice should be a long, carefully managed one.
I believe it should be far from easy and I know changing the law is a tough one, however people living with these severe disabilities are the only ones who really know how they feel, they are living it each day and I completely understand why some have simply had enough.